- why me?
- why us?
- why this?
- can you...?
- will you...?
- tell me why...
- how could you...?
- how dare you...?
- it's not fair!
- it's not my time.
- it's not okay!
- they were too young.
- I need them.
- I need help.
Have you ever realized how we always complain to the all knowing God instead of thanking him for the chances and the opportunities we have had? All of these questions or statements come out of my life daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. I'm guilty of it, I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else.
Recently I have been going through so much. When I say recently though, I mean within the past year or so. Grad school is rough, I've had unwanted answers and no wanted answers from doctors, I've had family members become ill or pass, friends and family friends too. I've lost friends, people that mean so much to me and who quite frankly always will. Life sucks, period.
Instead of asking God why it didn't work out or why someone isn't still here, I have started saying things like:
- Thank you for the time I had with them.
- Thank you for showing me that I deserve better.
- Thank you for making me wake up and realize.
- Thank you for having the professors I do that hound me.
- Thank you for the bond my family has even in the tough times.
- Thank you for allowing me to work on myself.
- Thank you for letting me see another day.
- Thank you for this opportunity.
I'm not a perfect person, I'll be the first to tell you that. I'm not a perfect Christian either. I face my demons every single day. Many times these demons make me question whether I'm worthy, loved, beautiful, wanted, needed, cared for, etc.
When I first heard the song 'Dear God' by Hunter Hayes, I didn't think it could've come at a more perfect time in my life. I am so close to having my Master's degree yet I feel so far away. I see my friends and others my age, and younger, having kids, families, getting engaged and married and here I am, alone, feeling unworthy, unloved, unwanted and unneeded.
But daily I'm reminded of my blessings. I might question certain things because of my demons but at the end of the day when I'm crying uncontrollably in my bed and can't sleep I am always reminded that I am worthy, loved, beautiful, wanted, needed and cared for. I am making a difference in lives, I have an amazing passion that changes lives, I work with some of the most loving individuals God has ever created. I'm smart, talented, beautiful, funny, practically insane and successful in my own way. I have an amazing family, some pretty awesome friends, an outstanding support system and I constantly have people praying for me whether I know it or not.
Thomas Rhett has said it the best way I know how, "Ain't it funny how life changes, you wake up ain't nothin' the same, yeah life changes you can't stop it just hop on a train. You never know what's gonna happen, you make your plans and you hear God laughing. Ain't it funny how life changes and I wouldn't change it for the world."
I realize that I'm blessed immeasurably more than I could have ever asked for. I don't have everything I want but I do have everything I need. I'm so close to reaching my dream, and when I say so close I mean like 4 months away, and my fullest potential hasn't even been met yet.
Though I might have my days where I feel worthless, useless and just down right crappy and even when I'm sitting here asking, "Dear God are you sure that you don't mess up?" I always know that he doesn't mess up, I'm made in his image and my mistakes don't define who I truly am.
On the days that I do feel worthless, useless and downright crappy I will say, "dear God, please remind me you don't mess up." I hope to always remember that life changes but every change and every step has put me exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time.
Changing for the better might not be what you initially wanted or planned for but it's leading you to the destination that you were meant for.
Ain't it funny how life changes? And I wouldn't change it for the world.
Lauren
